Introverts and Family Gatherings

We introverts are either pitied or disliked (even loathed) for not wanting to attend these things - and for appearing to be (we are!) terribly uncomfortable if we have been dragged to one. I for one would prefer being disliked over being pitied if I had a choice, as when you're pitied it implies that you are thought of as a pathetic individual who needs to be babied (and maybe even hugged - which is not only an insult but an invasion of privacy to an introvert...this makes it even worse). In fact, I am sure I am both disliked and pitied.

But does it not seem that old Uncle Ray or Cousin Wanda (and I) really are grumpy (irritable, snappy, and definitely unsociable)? We may appear to be angry or annoyed, zoned-out, or even panicked. The "unsociables" (or some of them) also might tend to drink too much and/or do "crazy" things -- So, you might think, doesn't that prove they really do have something "wrong" with them? No it doesn't.

The kind of pressure that a family gathering puts on an introvert can make them grab for anything that takes their mind off the situation they're in even a tiny bit or that gives them a feeling of escape.  Though they'd rather be at home in their workshop or other personal space where they would love to be doing what they usually do, if they know this is impossible they would at least rather be away from this gathering -- anywhere else would do.

A long walk (say six or seven hours....) while everyone else is playing games and eating and talking and talking and talking may seem very odd to the extroverts in the family, but it may be the only thing that saves Uncle Ray from an immediate heart attack from stress. A drink or two or three -- the same. And why might these introverts be irritable? Because they've been dragged to this place, because they hate it here and they fervently wish they were elsewhere (and they show every sign of wanting to be elsewhere). And because they know that people simply don't, won't, and apparently can't understand why it is they wish so much that they weren't there and so misinterpret their behavior which makes things even worse.

The description "a fish out of water" really fits here as an introvert in this kind of situation is unable to function, almost unable to breathe. They "flap around" and would "die" if they couldn't get back into the "water" as soon as possible. They simply cannot pretend for any length of time to be comfortable and to be like the extroverts all around them. The longer they are in this predicament, the harder it is to control their real feelings. Thus the need to escape the situation is what is foremost on the mind of the introvert trapped at a family gathering.

I do believe the stress that an introvert suffers at times like these (and even when contemplating such a situation coming up) does actually shorten their life and they intuitively know that and look for any way out of the situation, logical or not. Where there's even a tiny speck of light toward the end of the tunnel, there's hope, even if it turns out to be the headlights of a train; and even if it is a train, just maybe they can jump on it and head toward home.

It probably isn't necessary to explain in this post why an introvert would not want to be in such a situation, as I've written quite a bit in other posts about our reasons for preferring to be alone or with people we are very close to and "in synch with." But I don't think I've written much yet about how being around people you know well but are not around regularly (mostly I'm referring to family as the people in your family have not been chosen as friends and it is only an amazing coincidence if you and they happen to be compatible) is worse than being around strangers. In fact, being around strangers is no problem at all for me, for instance, as long as I'm not expected to interact with them more than is required to get things done that need to be done (buy something, get directions, check out a book, etc.). But having to interact socially, especially with people I "know" well but am not around constantly and/or am not compatible with, is anathema to me. I am expected to interact simply because we're in the same family, but cannot as we (in most cases) have nothing in common other than the same ancestors.  And, even if we do understand each other and have some things in common, if we don't see each other every day - and even if we do - face-to-face contact is not nearly as comfortable as contact via reading and writing.  (How our ancestors who were like us survived before writing was invented, I can't imagine...they must have been useful in some way!)

So, family gatherings are as horrid an idea to me as attempting to exchange chit chat on the phone for the same length of time would be...even (much) more horrid, actually. I would rather take a chance that the glimmer of light in the tunnel is not the headlight of a freight train.

- Jean

"Up until 10 years ago, the reason people went to their reunions was to find out what happened to everybody. You can do that without ever having to leave your home or show your gray hair." -- Carol Riley (I have no idea who Carol Riley is, but I agree with her statement.)